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I’ve been sober for a while now. Being sober, my head clears up and I can think clearly. I remember why I turned to vices in the first place: I’m a miserable fuck. I hate life. I don’t fit in this world and people don’t take this fact seriously. It’s as if life is a puzzle with all the pieces put together and yet there’s one piece extra. That piece isn’t necessary, it shouldn’t be there and should be discarded. I am that piece of trash.

Since my health has somewhat improved I’ve tried getting on with my life but I’m a shell of my former self, which wasn’t much to write home about in the first place. Since I can’t work and have very little money it’s hard to leave the house. This is compounded by the fact that my health is poor. My social skills are pretty shoddy right now. I still go out because the only way to make friends is to get out of the house.

Making friends is hard when you’re a miserable, negative, broke, fucker. It’s very hard for me to be social. I just don’t know what to say in a lot of circumstances and this is awkward. I remember only like a year ago I was pretty popular and I never had to ‘think’ of what to say, I just opened my mouth and the right words came out every time.

But now I’ve lost that skill. It’s as if I served a prison sentence and have been released to society; you can’t expect me to socialize normally, I’m not used to such environments anymore. I’m used to holing up in my house, my only friend being my TV.

I used to be witty amongst friends but now every little thing I take very personally. I twist things into something they are not and then dwell on it for days. One minor gesture or comment from someone will send me spiraling into a week long depression and I wont be able to sleep.

I can’t help but to think I should just shut myself off from human contact altogether. I’d rather get run over by a car than continually have my heart broken, subsequently sending me into another nausea inducing, week-long depression. Fuck that shit why should anyone live that way? Why continually put yourself out there only to be shut down every time?

The ‘true friend’ concept is something that’s really been messing with me lately. I don’t know if people like this exist. I’m not being over dramatic. When you’re down is when you find out who your friends are, they’re there to pick you up. I’ve never had a person like this in my entire life. People tell me they love me and that they are there for me but whenever it comes down to it they don’t answer my calls or texts.

So at a time like now when I’m more vulnerable than normal I wonder if I should even seek out friendships? I’m not a kid anymore. Maybe I should just continue with what I’m doing to get money – that much I know I can do – but regarding friendships, just forget it. Fuck love, I know that’s not going to happen, I just mean a buddy to talk to when I’m down.

That’s all I want is a friendly ear that will listen.

And this is in part what turned me to vices. It numbs my emotions and allows me sleep at night. It helps me feel normal.