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Where to start?

Charity: I suppose one of the primary things that makes me look back at my short(ish) life is my contributions to charity. When you feel as though your life is a waste of time it helps to know that the folks you’ve helped would say otherwise. I think about those around me and I just feel competition. But when I think of those I’ve helped, I can’t help but to think they’d appreciate me because despite everything I’ve gone through I still maintained my moral fortitude. They know my heart and can appreciate it.

Kinda odd how that works out: those around me aren’t aware of what I’ve done for charity (I strongly believe in keeping it to oneself). Nobody around here in my city are caring individuals, they’re all crabs in a bucket. And yet folks across the world can vouch for me because they’ve benefited from my beliefs of helping others. They know in their hard times I’ll be there. Truly, nobody knows how difficult it is for me to help others but I fucking do it. I love to help with no strings attached: I’m not trying to convert you, I’m not trying to show you my way of life or anything like that. I see your pain and I want it to go away. I see your demons and I want to shoo them off.

Exercise: This is something most folks have heard of but I don’t think can appreciate, meaning exercise is a natural anti depressant. Honestly after I get back from working out I still feel like shit, but my mind is always more clear and I feel less shitty which is amazing. Exercise can take me out of despair and into depression which isn’t as bad.

I generally have nightmares every night. I don’t mean screaming, fear-based nightmares. I mean reliving gut wrenching events of my life. The scenarios are different but the feeling is always the same. Sometimes I have wonderful dreams of running. Not like I’m running away from something, I mean I’ll be out for a jog and I will be in amazing shape. I’ll be able to sustain a full sprint without getting tired and I’ll have a feeling of bliss.

Odd I know. I wish I could explain it better but it’s a great dream. I suppose it’s a manifestation or whatever for my love of jogging. Jogging is a love/hate kind of thing. You hate it as you’re doing it but you’re only fighting against yourself. But this is a battle that’s easily one since the pain is physical. Jogging, combined with a healthy diet over the course of about a week or so truly makes me feel superhuman.

Again, it’s hard to describe but it’s just nice to be inside a body that performs above average. It’s as though I’m in a low gravity environment, I could jump 10 feet if I wanted to without any effort.

Meditation: Describing my experiences with meditation is like trying to describe a color to a blind person. Meditation is the key to everything you’ve ever wanted.

An issue with it though, is it takes serious dedication. We can see each others bodies and instantly determine if someone needs to go on a diet or not. We can’t see each others minds and we don’t know who has the healthy, strong mind or the weak fragile mind which needs exercise.

Meditation is the diet and exercise of the mind. One can make their mind super strong so that it can carry any burden. To get there though, one has to put in the time and the exercise to be strong. A lot of folks yo-yo, just like with dieting. Meaning, they do it for a while, see amazing results, then stop.

Another issue with meditation is there are so many forms of it, again, just like diets and exercise. A lot of diets are a terrible idea and you’ve gotta be an idiot to choose them. Someone once told me a beer diet is feasible because it has calories and dieting is all calories in/calories out. That’s the most retarded shit I’ve ever heard.

I personally use mindfulness meditation as well as watching the breath.

So that’s it for now. I just wanted to write something positive to counter all the negative crap thats been going on in my life.