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I feel I’m making progress in life but I still get stuck in the ruts. Maybe this is the nature of life, it just seems as though the ruts I hit are deep and I get stuck where others can move forward.

For one, I feel pathetic saying this, but I’m in love with a girl who doesn’t feel the same about me. She has been in a relationship for several years. I can’t talk shit about the guy she’s with because frankly he’s an awesome dude. What’s fucked up is I’m happy for her cause I love her and I want what’s best for her. Her and I aren’t a good fit, she has habits I don’t like and we’d make a bad match. At the end of the day though I fucking love her. I’d do back flips just to get a chance to hold her. This doesn’t make sense I know.

I have these images of her in my mind of the faces she makes whether she’s happy, sad or whatever. She has no idea how adorable she is. It’s not even about sex, I just love her and want to be with her. I’d fist fight a lion for the opportunity to hold her. I’d sell everything I own for a chance to hold her hand.

But that’s not gonna happen, so I’m fucked.

I’ve considered writing to her. I’m a blunt person, very honest. I’ll look you in the eyes and tell you what’s on my mind. In my experience folks don’t handle this very well and consider this awkward. Some folks will even walk away to avoid this because they can’t handle it. But when you hand someone a letter their curiosity takes over and they devour it. I’d really like to do this; write her a letter and tell her how I feel.

But that’s not gonna happen, so I’m fucked.

I remember when I was younger there was a gal that really liked me. I suppose I’ll never know just how much she liked me, but she constantly pursued me. I had absolutely zero interest in her. I tried to let her down easy but she didn’t take it well. To this day she’s a bit of a crazy gal and I can’t help but to think this is a reaction of the lack of attention she got from me.

It’s kinda funny how this works: The one you want, wants nothing to do with you, but there are others that will leap at a chance to get at you. But those are the fish that you throw back.

This is in part what’s fucked up for me. I am physically attractive and charming (believe it or not) but my health is fucked, so this limits me from standard dating protocol. I’ve been with girls that are more beautiful than any model you’ve ever seen but I can’t stay in a relationship with any girl. I don’t hold this against anybody because asking someone to deal with my issues is like asking someone to figure out the meaning of life. It’d be nice if a gal could figure that out.

But that’s not gonna happen, so I’m fucked.